Yes, it has been a year since I last posted on this blog. This past year has been so busy with two kids and it has been so wonderful at the same time. Just yesterday we were celebrating Aiden's 1st birthday. Last night I kept thinking about how blessed my kids are to have Eric as their father. Yes, I'm blessed to have him as my husband too! But there is just something about a father's love that can NOT be replaced. I have spent lots of time thinking about this lately. As a child I so wanted my father's love. I remember the many dissapointments and promises that never came true. I store one moment vividly in my mind and it is of Easter; I couldn't have been older than 5. I was playing with my toys and my dad came for a short visit (he stayed outside in the car with my uncle so as not to get in a fight or trouble for that matter). I ran to him and hugged him and told him that I loved him and I asked him please stay for one minute so I can get you something. As a 5 year old I expected him to be there but I knew that I must be quick; so I ran inside and grabbed a picture that I made him. As I ran back I fell down our concrete steps and tore the top layer of skin off my legs and no dad anywhere to be found. He had left and I was there screaming and crying from all kinds of pain. But what happened next was special. My step-dad (at the time my mom's live in boyfriend) ran to me grabbed me and bandaged my legs up and put me on the couch where I stayed for the next few days as walking was painful. I think it was at the moment that I realized what being a dad is. Chris (my step-dad) was there when I needed him- isn't that what all little girls want from their fathers? I finally became use to not depending on my biological father and began depending on the person that was their for the day to day. I became a Christian at the age of 7 and I remember feeling so happy that I had a Father that was always there for me. Many nights I spent crying out to Him. Begging Him to make my daddy love me. But I was missing the point.
My step-dad walked me down the aisle and I wouldn't change that ever. He raised me since I was three, he was there for the everyday and I am so thankful for that. Yes, we have had our many differences but I love him and I know that God sent him and his family. Just two years ago we met my biological dad at a local Hardees. It had been 8 years since I had seen him. He was 45 minutes late. He lives 20 minutes away. The years of alcohol and drug abuse have drained his body of life. He was obviously nervous, shaking at times. I wanted him to meet my daughter if just one time so I could tell her that I tried when she got older. I did this because I have never met my own grandfather and he lives just a few hours away. It was good to see my dad again but it wrecked me. It all started when the day I came home from the hospital (with Holland) he called and wanted to come meet her. I cried and threw the phone to Eric- who handled it for me. My dad blames me. That he was not invited to the wedding, that I didn't call, that I didn't visit. Oh, but I did call, and goodness he had visitation rights but then decided after awhile that he didn't want to see me so he just wouldn't show up. By the way dads- it is your responsibility to call, it is your responsibility to visit! A 6 year old can not drive!
When we met my dad at Hardees that day I handed him a letter and some pictures of my daughter. The letter was me telling him how much I loved him and prayed for him, but that if he didn't change his life- that would be him choosing drugs and alcohol over his daughter and granddaughter. I felt like I needed to make my peace in some way. My husband has called him since but has been hung up on or not answered at all. It is probably best that way. I think it must be painful for my dad- the guilt he lives with.
All of this is to say that sons and daughters need their daddy's love. The way Holland and Aiden look at their daddy melts my heart. I'm so glad that my kids are getting what I prayed for so long ago.
