When life doesn't go the way you want it to

A lot has changed over the last month. Three weeks ago I told Eric that something was wrong- I just wasn't feeling right. The next morning I knew that I was having contractions. I called Eric who was on a field trip to the Durham public library (with no vehicle) and told him my doctor wanted me to come in right away. The bus driver drove him back to school and he was on the way to get me. I called my mother in law and she came right over. Then to the doctor's office. I kept hoping that they would say you're fine you're imagining it. Unfortunately she didn't say what I wanted to hear and I was off to the hospital for monitoring. I was in fact headed into preterm labor. I had not dilated but my cervix was thinning out. They ran tests, gave me a shot (that made me go crazy) to stop the contractions. After being there close to 8 hours they discharged me with meds to keep me from going back into labor and orders to pretty much do nothing. So many thoughts were running through my head when they sent me to the hospital. My first thoughts were that this experience is much scarier than my cancer scare almost 4 years ago. I mean while that was truly scary and very hard to go through- as a mother this was worse. With this I am talking about my child who's not yet ready to enter the world and all the worries that goes along with that. After being in the hospital I was so ready to be home and glad that I was able to go.

Before now I had read lots on preterm labor and birth. But I had misconceptions of how it really is, and I don't know that you can truly understand it until you are going through it. I thought okay great they gave me a shot and medicine everything can go back to normal- NOPE. That is not how it works. And maybe it does for some women I have heard where the contractions will stop and don't come back. But not for me. Every day since I was in the hospital I have contractions. It's not just one or two either. Sometimes I have 3-4 in an hour other times only 1. Every time I have a contraction I think okay I need to count because if I have between 4-6 in a hour it's back to the hospital I go.

The hardest thing for me in all of this is feeling helpless. Everything is out of my control. I know that me and Aiden are in God's hands, but it is hard to trust when you can't see the whole picture. It is very hard to sit by and watch my husband do everything for me- the laundry, cleaning, making meals, taking care of Holland, getting things ready for Aiden. I want so much to jump in and do things but when I do my body lets me know that I shouldn't have tried at all. I experience lots of what I like to call "mommy guilt". When I can't get on the floor and play with Holland or lift her to her changing table or highchair and she's confused. But I also know that by not doing these things I'm also taking care of the baby inside of me.

Through this experience I have felt so blessed. I am so blessed to have a husband who after working all day will come home and clean and take care of everything because I can't. I'm blessed to have a good mother in law that comes during the week to help out and take a load off and family and friends. I am also blessed to have a wonderful church family who has brought meals and has prayed and loved on us during this time. My husband encouraged me to write through this so I can maybe get some healing through it. So we will see if it helps!