Yes, it has been a year since I last posted on this blog. This past year has been so busy with two kids and it has been so wonderful at the same time. Just yesterday we were celebrating Aiden's 1st birthday. Last night I kept thinking about how blessed my kids are to have Eric as their father. Yes, I'm blessed to have him as my husband too! But there is just something about a father's love that can NOT be replaced. I have spent lots of time thinking about this lately. As a child I so wanted my father's love. I remember the many dissapointments and promises that never came true. I store one moment vividly in my mind and it is of Easter; I couldn't have been older than 5. I was playing with my toys and my dad came for a short visit (he stayed outside in the car with my uncle so as not to get in a fight or trouble for that matter). I ran to him and hugged him and told him that I loved him and I asked him please stay for one minute so I can get you something. As a 5 year old I expected him to be there but I knew that I must be quick; so I ran inside and grabbed a picture that I made him. As I ran back I fell down our concrete steps and tore the top layer of skin off my legs and no dad anywhere to be found. He had left and I was there screaming and crying from all kinds of pain. But what happened next was special. My step-dad (at the time my mom's live in boyfriend) ran to me grabbed me and bandaged my legs up and put me on the couch where I stayed for the next few days as walking was painful. I think it was at the moment that I realized what being a dad is. Chris (my step-dad) was there when I needed him- isn't that what all little girls want from their fathers? I finally became use to not depending on my biological father and began depending on the person that was their for the day to day. I became a Christian at the age of 7 and I remember feeling so happy that I had a Father that was always there for me. Many nights I spent crying out to Him. Begging Him to make my daddy love me. But I was missing the point.
My step-dad walked me down the aisle and I wouldn't change that ever. He raised me since I was three, he was there for the everyday and I am so thankful for that. Yes, we have had our many differences but I love him and I know that God sent him and his family. Just two years ago we met my biological dad at a local Hardees. It had been 8 years since I had seen him. He was 45 minutes late. He lives 20 minutes away. The years of alcohol and drug abuse have drained his body of life. He was obviously nervous, shaking at times. I wanted him to meet my daughter if just one time so I could tell her that I tried when she got older. I did this because I have never met my own grandfather and he lives just a few hours away. It was good to see my dad again but it wrecked me. It all started when the day I came home from the hospital (with Holland) he called and wanted to come meet her. I cried and threw the phone to Eric- who handled it for me. My dad blames me. That he was not invited to the wedding, that I didn't call, that I didn't visit. Oh, but I did call, and goodness he had visitation rights but then decided after awhile that he didn't want to see me so he just wouldn't show up. By the way dads- it is your responsibility to call, it is your responsibility to visit! A 6 year old can not drive!
When we met my dad at Hardees that day I handed him a letter and some pictures of my daughter. The letter was me telling him how much I loved him and prayed for him, but that if he didn't change his life- that would be him choosing drugs and alcohol over his daughter and granddaughter. I felt like I needed to make my peace in some way. My husband has called him since but has been hung up on or not answered at all. It is probably best that way. I think it must be painful for my dad- the guilt he lives with.
All of this is to say that sons and daughters need their daddy's love. The way Holland and Aiden look at their daddy melts my heart. I'm so glad that my kids are getting what I prayed for so long ago.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Aiden's Birth Story
Aiden Jeremiah Dalman was born at 11:59 p.m. on May 2nd 2011. Weighing in at 10 lbs. 6 oz. and measuring 22 1/2 inches long with a 37 cm head circumfrence. It makes me sad to know that I wasn't able to hold him on his actual birthday. My pregnancy with Aiden had many diffrent complications and his birth story did as well. At 26 weeks of pregnancy I went into preterm labor and was put on bed rest and medication. I was given steroid shots for his lungs at 32 weeks of pregnancy and admitted to the hospital over night. During my pregnancy with him I was sent to the hospital 4 times before the 5th time of giving birth. I also struggled with high blood pressure and hip problems that required me to sleep in a recliner for half of my pregnancy.
On May 2nd at 9:00 I had an appointment with my doctor to recheck my high blood pressure (I had been sent to the hospital the Tuesday before with high blood pressure and hopes that they would induce me but was sent home.) My blood pressure was high and it rose higher when I laid on my left side. So when my doctor came in she said that I needed to go ahead and be induced; I was already 1 day over my due date and I was 1 cm dilated. So we drove right to the hospital (at this point I was so glad that I got good hugs and kisses from Holland that morning before leaving the house). I was started on pitocin around 11:00 and it got things rolling to much. I was having contractions back to back so they turned the pitocin way down and gave me an epidural. I was then able to relax so my body could dilate. At 8 cm my epidural ran out and let me tell you natural labor is NO fun. I was clinching the bed railings and crying and screaming and just saying please Jesus please. My poor husband didn't know what to do for me. I am thankful for my husband and for the student nurse that was taking care of me for insisting that I get a second epidural. The head nurse didn't agree and was resistent but once I got the second epidural I felt so much better. Not long after that it was time to push. At this point everything was normal- labor had progressed great I only had my husband, doctor and nurse in there with me. With 2 pushes Aiden's head was out and that's where the problem began. My baby's head was soooo big that they couldn't get the rest of him out or push his head back in either. That's when the rush of nurses and doctors flooded the room. I saw the look on my doctor's face and I was terified. She had already suctioned Aiden's nose and mouth out and was asking the nurse how long he'd been stuck without oxygen. At that point it was almost 2 minutes. I was crying, they had pushed Eric out of the way so the nurses could hold me while one nurse jumped on my stomach to help push the baby out of me. Finally my doctor had to reach inside and turn Aiden around so she could pull his giant football shoulders out. And when he came out there was no cry just a lifeless tiny body. They rushed him to the warmer and told us to give them a few minutes. I have no idea how long it was but if felt like an eternity. My nurses were so kind telling me that I'd done everything right and just being so encouraging. And when we finally heard his tiny cry it was the best thing I've heard in my life. He cried a little more and his color started to come back. They finally let me hold him a few minutes later before sending him to the special care nursery to be monitored because of his breathing. I was so thankful to finally be able to hold him but at the same time I wanted them to take him quickly to make sure he was okay. Eric went along with him and I waited for his return. I was left alone and just prayed and cried out to God to just please let Aiden be okay. I was so scared. When my husband finally came back I was so happy to see him and to hear that Aiden was doing wonderful. He was pretty bruised up an had some nerve damage in his right arm but other than that he was fine. He was brought to our room around 3 a.m. and I finally got to cuddle with my son. His arm has done remarkably well and will be checked on in June by a pediatric orthopedist. When we knew everything was going to be alright I looked at my doctor and said "no more vaginal deliveries for me! and she said I second that!" When she came to check on me I told her how thankful we were for her and what she did for us and Aiden and she told us that she was just glad that it ended the way it did.
Aiden is my miracle baby. We spent so much time praying that he wouldn't be born premature at 2 lbs. and was born one day late and 10 lbs! I could not be more thankful to God for hearing our prayers in that delivery room that he would breathe and that he would cry. God is a great God! I am so blessed to be a mommy of 2. Life is definitely much busier with a lot less sleep but it is so worth it. I love my little man. He's so sweet and I think he might just end up being a mama's boy :)
On May 2nd at 9:00 I had an appointment with my doctor to recheck my high blood pressure (I had been sent to the hospital the Tuesday before with high blood pressure and hopes that they would induce me but was sent home.) My blood pressure was high and it rose higher when I laid on my left side. So when my doctor came in she said that I needed to go ahead and be induced; I was already 1 day over my due date and I was 1 cm dilated. So we drove right to the hospital (at this point I was so glad that I got good hugs and kisses from Holland that morning before leaving the house). I was started on pitocin around 11:00 and it got things rolling to much. I was having contractions back to back so they turned the pitocin way down and gave me an epidural. I was then able to relax so my body could dilate. At 8 cm my epidural ran out and let me tell you natural labor is NO fun. I was clinching the bed railings and crying and screaming and just saying please Jesus please. My poor husband didn't know what to do for me. I am thankful for my husband and for the student nurse that was taking care of me for insisting that I get a second epidural. The head nurse didn't agree and was resistent but once I got the second epidural I felt so much better. Not long after that it was time to push. At this point everything was normal- labor had progressed great I only had my husband, doctor and nurse in there with me. With 2 pushes Aiden's head was out and that's where the problem began. My baby's head was soooo big that they couldn't get the rest of him out or push his head back in either. That's when the rush of nurses and doctors flooded the room. I saw the look on my doctor's face and I was terified. She had already suctioned Aiden's nose and mouth out and was asking the nurse how long he'd been stuck without oxygen. At that point it was almost 2 minutes. I was crying, they had pushed Eric out of the way so the nurses could hold me while one nurse jumped on my stomach to help push the baby out of me. Finally my doctor had to reach inside and turn Aiden around so she could pull his giant football shoulders out. And when he came out there was no cry just a lifeless tiny body. They rushed him to the warmer and told us to give them a few minutes. I have no idea how long it was but if felt like an eternity. My nurses were so kind telling me that I'd done everything right and just being so encouraging. And when we finally heard his tiny cry it was the best thing I've heard in my life. He cried a little more and his color started to come back. They finally let me hold him a few minutes later before sending him to the special care nursery to be monitored because of his breathing. I was so thankful to finally be able to hold him but at the same time I wanted them to take him quickly to make sure he was okay. Eric went along with him and I waited for his return. I was left alone and just prayed and cried out to God to just please let Aiden be okay. I was so scared. When my husband finally came back I was so happy to see him and to hear that Aiden was doing wonderful. He was pretty bruised up an had some nerve damage in his right arm but other than that he was fine. He was brought to our room around 3 a.m. and I finally got to cuddle with my son. His arm has done remarkably well and will be checked on in June by a pediatric orthopedist. When we knew everything was going to be alright I looked at my doctor and said "no more vaginal deliveries for me! and she said I second that!" When she came to check on me I told her how thankful we were for her and what she did for us and Aiden and she told us that she was just glad that it ended the way it did.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Growing Up
It's hard to believe that in four months my baby girl will be 2 years old. It feels like just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital. Everyday she learns new things and picks up new words, phrases, or sentences. I have been struggling in teaching her to clean up after herself but then today I asked her to please clean up her kitchen before going to nap and she did! She cleaned up everything and then headed to her bedroom, but she noticed she was still holding a pretend doughnut and quickly ran back to her kitchen and put it away. It's the little things like this that make you feel like all the work of being a parent is definitely worthwhile. And now as I look forward to bringing another child into this world I definitely know that it is hard work but every smile, every hug, every kiss makes up for everything else. The only thing is I have to get used to waking up every hour and a half again!!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
When life doesn't go the way you want it to
A lot has changed over the last month. Three weeks ago I told Eric that something was wrong- I just wasn't feeling right. The next morning I knew that I was having contractions. I called Eric who was on a field trip to the Durham public library (with no vehicle) and told him my doctor wanted me to come in right away. The bus driver drove him back to school and he was on the way to get me. I called my mother in law and she came right over. Then to the doctor's office. I kept hoping that they would say you're fine you're imagining it. Unfortunately she didn't say what I wanted to hear and I was off to the hospital for monitoring. I was in fact headed into preterm labor. I had not dilated but my cervix was thinning out. They ran tests, gave me a shot (that made me go crazy) to stop the contractions. After being there close to 8 hours they discharged me with meds to keep me from going back into labor and orders to pretty much do nothing. So many thoughts were running through my head when they sent me to the hospital. My first thoughts were that this experience is much scarier than my cancer scare almost 4 years ago. I mean while that was truly scary and very hard to go through- as a mother this was worse. With this I am talking about my child who's not yet ready to enter the world and all the worries that goes along with that. After being in the hospital I was so ready to be home and glad that I was able to go.
Before now I had read lots on preterm labor and birth. But I had misconceptions of how it really is, and I don't know that you can truly understand it until you are going through it. I thought okay great they gave me a shot and medicine everything can go back to normal- NOPE. That is not how it works. And maybe it does for some women I have heard where the contractions will stop and don't come back. But not for me. Every day since I was in the hospital I have contractions. It's not just one or two either. Sometimes I have 3-4 in an hour other times only 1. Every time I have a contraction I think okay I need to count because if I have between 4-6 in a hour it's back to the hospital I go.
The hardest thing for me in all of this is feeling helpless. Everything is out of my control. I know that me and Aiden are in God's hands, but it is hard to trust when you can't see the whole picture. It is very hard to sit by and watch my husband do everything for me- the laundry, cleaning, making meals, taking care of Holland, getting things ready for Aiden. I want so much to jump in and do things but when I do my body lets me know that I shouldn't have tried at all. I experience lots of what I like to call "mommy guilt". When I can't get on the floor and play with Holland or lift her to her changing table or highchair and she's confused. But I also know that by not doing these things I'm also taking care of the baby inside of me.
Through this experience I have felt so blessed. I am so blessed to have a husband who after working all day will come home and clean and take care of everything because I can't. I'm blessed to have a good mother in law that comes during the week to help out and take a load off and family and friends. I am also blessed to have a wonderful church family who has brought meals and has prayed and loved on us during this time. My husband encouraged me to write through this so I can maybe get some healing through it. So we will see if it helps!
Before now I had read lots on preterm labor and birth. But I had misconceptions of how it really is, and I don't know that you can truly understand it until you are going through it. I thought okay great they gave me a shot and medicine everything can go back to normal- NOPE. That is not how it works. And maybe it does for some women I have heard where the contractions will stop and don't come back. But not for me. Every day since I was in the hospital I have contractions. It's not just one or two either. Sometimes I have 3-4 in an hour other times only 1. Every time I have a contraction I think okay I need to count because if I have between 4-6 in a hour it's back to the hospital I go.
The hardest thing for me in all of this is feeling helpless. Everything is out of my control. I know that me and Aiden are in God's hands, but it is hard to trust when you can't see the whole picture. It is very hard to sit by and watch my husband do everything for me- the laundry, cleaning, making meals, taking care of Holland, getting things ready for Aiden. I want so much to jump in and do things but when I do my body lets me know that I shouldn't have tried at all. I experience lots of what I like to call "mommy guilt". When I can't get on the floor and play with Holland or lift her to her changing table or highchair and she's confused. But I also know that by not doing these things I'm also taking care of the baby inside of me.
Through this experience I have felt so blessed. I am so blessed to have a husband who after working all day will come home and clean and take care of everything because I can't. I'm blessed to have a good mother in law that comes during the week to help out and take a load off and family and friends. I am also blessed to have a wonderful church family who has brought meals and has prayed and loved on us during this time. My husband encouraged me to write through this so I can maybe get some healing through it. So we will see if it helps!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A Nap is a Beautiful Thing!
Holland has been completely off of her schedule lately. This past weekend she didn't take a single nap, went to bed later and woke up around 6ish. When she doesn't have her nap she gets so grumpy and just isn't herself. Well this morning she was up early as well. I was thankful to have my hubby home this morning to help with her. After he left she was still SO sleepy so we watched some t.v. I knew it was nap time when she was leaning against my foot (that was propped up) and started slobbering on it! She took a nap though she didn't want to she threw everything out of her crib and fell asleep about 45 minutes after being put in there. But hey she took a nap! And she's much happier and so am I. Hopefully this means she'll get back on a routine we shall see!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
There's a first time for everything.
Well here I am writing a blog. Not too sure how good I will be at this, but I will give it a try. It was really my husband's idea for both of to "blog" so I guess I'll see how his goes as well :) The statement "There's a first time for everything" is true in so many aspects of my life. First car, first home, first year of marriage. First baby and along with a baby came a lot of firsts! First diaper change (that Eric changed gracefully so), first car ride, first set of shots, first tooth, first steps. Holland has had so many firsts and I know that Aiden will have so many as well. I look forward to being there for each of them cheering them on. I hope to share many "Mommy Moments" well as many as time will allow; it's busy being a stay at home mom!
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